ANOTHER SHITTY REVIEW #2

Welcome back to another weekly edition of poopy shenanigans, crappy puns & absolutely filthy jokes that will probably make you regret your time wasted here. There was a lot of positive feedback with the last review, muchos gracias to all my fellow poopers out there. Without further ado, let’s get this bowel rolling and deliver another zesty review.

CONTEXT:

Food consumed prior to excretion: Mexican SPICY Chicken Burrito with extra seasoned chicken chips from some fancy cafe near UTS Building 8 @ 12pm 24/4/17.

“I don’t think I can handle a burrito this early.” – (ya boi @ 11:45)

12:30pm – Oh lawdy. For many minutes, my stomach lay dormant; remaining quiet before the shit-storm that was about to ensue. I felt the instantaneous mixture of satisfying pleasure and excruciating pain one feels, after consuming so much. I had to maintain a face of composure amongst my peers, weakness was not an option. After all, I had bowed down in the face of peer pressure to opt for a Mexican Burrito. I also made this regretful decision with the knowledge of how volatile my stomach really is in the mornings instead of a lighter and healthier salad option. I really do think it was the jalapeno that started it. But mama ain’t raise no bitch or a healthy salad eater. With this compounding mountain in my stomach almost ready to give birth, I realised it was time to finish what was started.

Luckily for me, given that it was the first day of STUVAC for university students, there wouldn’t be too many witnesses to the horror that I would leave behind. I lumbered in pain to the disabled toilet in the UTS Hatchery B15 (Design Building).  

LOCATION: B15 UTS HATCHERY (INNOVATION BUILDING)

  • Once again, restricted from public use (hatchery students with an ID only)
  • Location is almost impossible to find! Was surprised there was even a B15.
  • Automated button for entry, very good function that a lot of disabled toilets seem to be using nowadays (however takes years for the door to close -> not good for a man/woman in need of an urgent dump.)
  • Song listened during excretion: Biking – Frank Ocean, Tyler, Jay Z

Given that this is a fairly new building, I came with extremely high expectations. I expected state of the art facilities but instead was surprised at the simplicity of it. It baffled me that a building that was geared towards innovation was almost so simple, it was laughable. Anyways, a quick inspection confirmed that it was SFP (safe for poops). It possessed the basic amenities of the many disabled toilets I have encountered to date, it was also much smaller than the previous toilets. However, I have always been an advocate for functionality (how you use it) over size, thus this was not a drawback taken into consideration.

On that note, however, the toilet was surprisingly smaller than your average disabled toilet. This meant my manly voluptuous figure had a fairly tight squeeze, yet nevertheless a satisfying poop. I would recommend this toilet for individuals with a smaller lower body frame, it would probably feel much better. Another important feature, the mirror was in front of the toilet! A definite tick in this criteria, which I feel strongly that should be implemented in all disabled toilets. There were also TWO large unused rolls of toilet paper, a definite bonus; for I definitely made good use of that in my time there. Also post-excretion, I was fairly impressed by the innovative hand tap which was a simple metallic lever that needed to be jerked to stimulate copious water flow. I had never encountered such a tap, and after a solid 5 minutes; I managed to successfully wet my hands!

 However, I did experience some noteworthy drawbacks which I feel need addressing:

  • The hand dryer did not work. In my vast experience of toilets, I have become accustomed to non-functional amenities, however, this was definitely a strong displeasure to walk out with very wet hands. ( – Lost points for this )
  • Single ply paper! When will UTS ever get the message, that students want BETTER! Corrective action must be taken to correct this systematic issue.
  • The back of the toilet dug into my back, perhaps reinforcing why this toilet would definitely be a more pleasurable experience for shorter people.

Overall VERDICT: If you’re a small person who needs to do a big poop, this is the ideal toilet for you. Probably won’t personally visit it again unless there’s a sig. change to it, but if you’re a simple short person with simple needs, sus it out. 

POOP RATING: 6.5/10

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What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhoea? Salad Shooter!

That concludes the weekly POOP review, fellow poopers! In future reviews, I’m going to look to reviewing more accessible toilets in different locations & also look at doing more than just reviews. This is the start of something really big, together we will start a really really shit movement. 

 

 

AN ABSOLUTE CRAP REVIEW #1

Greetings and salutations, fellow poopers. If you’ve stumbled onto this by some coincidence, you’re procrastinating or you’re reading this on the toilet whilst you’re pooping.

What is this? Why am I reading this? People write blogs on fashion, food, lifting; yet upon prolonged consideration, I’ve decided to pursue my passion and transcended from pooping Snapchats to a new medium. This is more than a place for reviews about my pooping experiences in disabled toilets, this is art. 

 You’re here now, the shitstain of the internet. This is ya boi’s first review, by yours truly. I have big plans for this blog; prepare your anuses.  Stay tuned for weekly SHIT content.

Context:

Food consumed prior to excretion: King Prawn & BBQ Pork Noodle Soup with a Large Slurpee from 7/11 Market City @ 7:30pm 14/4/17.

7:45: Amidst the contentment of a full stomach and feeling extremely enlightened after a solid half an hour study session, I felt the necessary urge to deplete myself, upon the release of continuous atom bombs erupting from my rear. Finding a good toilet to poop is always important, you wouldn’t eat at a bad restaurant, the same logic I feel applies to toilets. Regardless, UTS was in my nearest vicinity; so I ventured to the library in desperation that the disabled toilet would be free. A tip to fellow poopers, if you’re ever around UTS; I would recommend paying a visit to UTS’s disabled toilet in the library Level 3. That disabled toilet, by far ranks at the top for my poops, but that’s another story for another time.

Anyways, to my utmost disappointment; I discovered that the library was in fact closed due to Easter hours. It was nearing a 7/10 on the Poop Richter scale, so this emergency had to be dealt with immediately and efficiently. So instead, I went to B5 Green Room’s Disabled Toilet. Let’s get on to the ratings:

Location: B5 GREEN ROOM DISABLED TOILET:

  • Restricted from public use (require a UTS ID to enter)
  • Location was relatively easy to find.
  • Lock was definitely tricky, took a minute to understand the system (it kept opening from the inside) -0.5 for that

Immediately, I get that sweet aromatic smell that only disabled toilets seem to possess. NOTE: Many, if not all, of these reviews, will be dedicated to looking at experiences on disabled toilets. Anyways, this toilet was pleasant, definitely indicated that this was a toilet that was maintained and looked after regularly. I was also pleasantly surprised by the amenities present! A shower? In my vast experience of UTS disabled toilets, I have had very limited encounters with showers, so it was reassuring knowing that after doing WW3 in the bowl, there’s a nice place to cool down.

The toilet seat was surprisingly ergonomic, with the shape of the toilet shaping perfectly around my buttocks; creating a powerful suction-like effect which definitely accentuated my experience. Not only was my experience pleasant throughout, I also experienced great after service as the hand dryer, automatic tap were working! A functional rarity, for anyone well-versed in public toilets. However, as pleasant as my experience was, I did suffer some drawbacks:

  • There was no mirror in front of the toilet. A major drawback and key criteria in the overall dynamic for disabled toilets! Very unpleasant experience in that criteria. (This caused quite a loss in points)
  • Single ply paper. Not too much of a problem as this is a systematic problem all throughout toilets.

Overall VERDICT: This is probably the best option you have for toilets around the Market City if you are a UTS Student. Worth a peep, and if you’re ever busting to chuck a PHAT POOP, this is a must visit.

POOP RATING: 7.5/10

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Anyways that concludes my first POOP review. Hope you’ve enjoyed! Leave a comment if you’ve had a similar experience or whatever. Catch you at the next SHIT REVIEW.