Welcome back to another weekly edition of poopy shenanigans, crappy puns & absolutely filthy jokes that will probably make you regret your time wasted here. There was a lot of positive feedback with the last review, muchos gracias to all my fellow poopers out there. Without further ado, let’s get this bowel rolling and deliver another zesty review.
Food consumed prior to excretion: Mexican SPICY Chicken Burrito with extra seasoned chicken chips from some fancy cafe near UTS Building 8 @ 12pm 24/4/17.
“I don’t think I can handle a burrito this early.” – (ya boi @ 11:45)
12:30pm – Oh lawdy. For many minutes, my stomach lay dormant; remaining quiet before the shit-storm that was about to ensue. I felt the instantaneous mixture of satisfying pleasure and excruciating pain one feels, after consuming so much. I had to maintain a face of composure amongst my peers, weakness was not an option. After all, I had bowed down in the face of peer pressure to opt for a Mexican Burrito. I also made this regretful decision with the knowledge of how volatile my stomach really is in the mornings instead of a lighter and healthier salad option. I really do think it was the jalapeno that started it. But mama ain’t raise no bitch or a healthy salad eater. With this compounding mountain in my stomach almost ready to give birth, I realised it was time to finish what was started.
Luckily for me, given that it was the first day of STUVAC for university students, there wouldn’t be too many witnesses to the horror that I would leave behind. I lumbered in pain to the disabled toilet in the UTS Hatchery B15 (Design Building).
LOCATION: B15 UTS HATCHERY (INNOVATION BUILDING)
- Once again, restricted from public use (hatchery students with an ID only)
- Location is almost impossible to find! Was surprised there was even a B15.
- Automated button for entry, very good function that a lot of disabled toilets seem to be using nowadays (however takes years for the door to close -> not good for a man/woman in need of an urgent dump.)
- Song listened during excretion: Biking – Frank Ocean, Tyler, Jay Z
Given that this is a fairly new building, I came with extremely high expectations. I expected state of the art facilities but instead was surprised at the simplicity of it. It baffled me that a building that was geared towards innovation was almost so simple, it was laughable. Anyways, a quick inspection confirmed that it was SFP (safe for poops). It possessed the basic amenities of the many disabled toilets I have encountered to date, it was also much smaller than the previous toilets. However, I have always been an advocate for functionality (how you use it) over size, thus this was not a drawback taken into consideration.
On that note, however, the toilet was surprisingly smaller than your average disabled toilet. This meant my manly voluptuous figure had a fairly tight squeeze, yet nevertheless a satisfying poop. I would recommend this toilet for individuals with a smaller lower body frame, it would probably feel much better. Another important feature, the mirror was in front of the toilet! A definite tick in this criteria, which I feel strongly that should be implemented in all disabled toilets. There were also TWO large unused rolls of toilet paper, a definite bonus; for I definitely made good use of that in my time there. Also post-excretion, I was fairly impressed by the innovative hand tap which was a simple metallic lever that needed to be jerked to stimulate copious water flow. I had never encountered such a tap, and after a solid 5 minutes; I managed to successfully wet my hands!
However, I did experience some noteworthy drawbacks which I feel need addressing:
- The hand dryer did not work. In my vast experience of toilets, I have become accustomed to non-functional amenities, however, this was definitely a strong displeasure to walk out with very wet hands. ( – Lost points for this –)
- Single ply paper! When will UTS ever get the message, that students want BETTER! Corrective action must be taken to correct this systematic issue.
- The back of the toilet dug into my back, perhaps reinforcing why this toilet would definitely be a more pleasurable experience for shorter people.
Overall VERDICT: If you’re a small person who needs to do a big poop, this is the ideal toilet for you. Probably won’t personally visit it again unless there’s a sig. change to it, but if you’re a simple short person with simple needs, sus it out.
POOP RATING: 6.5/10
What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhoea? Salad Shooter!
That concludes the weekly POOP review, fellow poopers! In future reviews, I’m going to look to reviewing more accessible toilets in different locations & also look at doing more than just reviews. This is the start of something really big, together we will start a really really shit movement.